It's 4:14pm, and I will be on for the next few hours, anyway..... One of the reasons people probably dont think much of me, is Im not too bright.. Those that are just meeting me or who have looked to see that I havent been on here long, are probably realizing this, if they haven't already. If you haven't you won't have too think much about it-I'll put it right out there for you. The night before last, when they shut my cable off-when I was woken up to the screaming static, andn then up from 12:30am all night, having the panic attacks.....? I will be honesy, now that afew days have gone by.... I came in here, and I cured everything that erer came into my eye-sight....FOR 2 HOURS. You can do alot of writing, and alot of cursing in 2 hours.....And yes, alot of crying...well, then I decided you have probably had enough, and I go to leave, and I see the little button on the right hand top of the page that says,'sign in'.I thought I just STAYED signed in..... Now, I am signing in, and people have been writing to ME-JUST me-Oh my God.....like letters, to me, that only I can see, that not only didn't I read yet, I didn't know they were there, and HAVE YET TO ANSWER!!!!! 
That is so not cool... and I am sooo, sooo soooo sorry. 2 of the letters? WE FROM THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY!!!! I will get to these tonight, as there is no need for that!!
I talked to one of my in-laws, via IM today. This is the only in-law that still talks to us, and IM is the only way she will talk to ME. My mother and father in law being gone, it's now just the siblings, and their spouces and adult children left. My husband was the youngest one of 6 kids, and put new meanings to the terms 'momma's boy' and 'baby of the family.' None of these people have liked me from the begining, and we got together way back in high school. I gave him beautiful children, and have stuck with him through thick and thin, but I was never thin enough, pretty enough, a good enough cook or housekeeper, and I would never be satisfied staying home 24/7, waiting for bread to rise and feather-dusting the kids rooms at 10pm. That is awesome, if you are satisfied doing that, but even as big a mess as I am right now, I am still taking classes, and hoping to mend-in body,mind,heart and spirit.
Anyway, she has never said why we have this IM rule...but today she said something about her and I going back a long way, and having gone through alot, and having some kind of bond. (Kinda like chewing gum and hair.) Hmmmmm,....the issue appears to be I am too honest. She didn't say that, I did, and then she didn't say anything at all about it.And thats why we have the IM rule....so when I say something honest, that may make people who are more comfortable not dealing with honesty, they dont have to say anything, or even act like they hear it, or read it.
I guess the moral to that little paragragh of dribble is-chewing gum and hair does bond---hehe...no. Sorry. You can only be really honest in your own head, cause those that dont want to deal with it, or you-don't. And this has been most of the peole that have beeen in my life... they like china dolls.....they like you to sit on a shelf, smiling nice, and looking pretty.
Looking below, I guess I am sappossed to have a title for each time I write, and then more keywords. Or which keywords each writing is sappossed to have something to do with??
Looking around, I noticed, first off 'DEPRESSED' IS REALLY ENLARGED AND HIGHLIGHTED IN MY related keywords. Was someone noticing that about me. or accusing me of that? Or is someone else here, too.
I am, and I cannot figure out just when I became this way. I think it was somewhere between being a normal mother/wife/woman/ to becoming injured at work, and disabled, so the kids all started walking all over me, my husband says he loves me, and doesnt want me to leave, but in the next breath I'm a useless, fat fu<>ing c)(t, that cant do anything for herself! He wants me here cause he cant do it without my disability check helping to run this house!!
I sware I have become smarter since meeting you guys!
Or maybe not smarter....but more clear.One day I will sign one, and I will start my letter-I am scared to death, but I have left, and I will be alone somewhere, but REALLY ALONE. And I will be scared, probably not quite to death, but I will have thought it through, for a LONG time, I will be somewhere I can afford to be, and each one of you-the early ones who are on here, will have somehow given me a little bit of strength......strength that I have needed for the last 12 years. This probably wont be till the fall, after the tourist season, but....there's a light....
Next I noticed alot of people wrote money, or unemployeed.I have to wonder something. There's ebay...and people make a fortune selling on there. Why the hell dont one of us start 'poorbay'.Yes, we would have to get and put up with things like po boxes, cause there wouldnt and not sending things out till checks came then cleared, etc...have just a whole 'site' like that. No one is in a position loose alot, spend alot, ect, I dont know,,,,,it's a 'raw plan'. No one will get rich, but....just to do something so everyone can feel like they are doing something to help themselves and their families out.....when they have already spent YEARS doing all they can-some of them.....or post what you might have for sale....say like for the next month we're tell as many people on here as we all can, then, every one weekend afternoon and evening a week, or every other week, post a pic of what you have, or what project you can do, etc....
That's all I have-----for the financial end of things-but I'm crazy anyway-whose gonna listen to me???
If there is a topic you would like to talk about....or if there is one in my mail......
Until tommorrow.
so you and I can all feel kinda right at home. Right now, if we were all together, I would look like crap....they shut my cable off for awhile last night.I couldn't, and still cannot believe they couldn't extend my horrendous bill for 8 or 12 hours,,,,instead, I work up TERRIFIED to the sound of static,..That was at 12:30a.m. Almost 12 hours ago. Hubby was already up for work, so he just ran the cable right into the tv,and I had no phone, but my internet never went off. I came in here, and thought I would write, but then didn't post it, so I never saved it-see---I'm a moran.
